Tampa has been touted as America's next great city since the early ‘80s. It still isn't. Tampa is what happens when a bunch of small towns accidentally grow into one another, but never really figure out how to be a city.
Now, don't get me wrong, Tampa has plenty of stuff to do. It has NFL, MLB, NHL, some fun amusement parks (Busch Gardens, Tampa is among the best in the world), a really nice zoo, beaches, a world-class aquarium, cruise lines port there, a couple of cool museums, and strip clubs. Boy does it have strip clubs. I'm not sure, but I believe it is the strip club capitol of the world. At one time, The Mons Venus, had a mobile strip club that would park at major sporting event parking lots. I think they got run off. Oh, and it has Ybor City. Ybor is what would happen if Bourbon Street decided to clean itself up and be boring. But, it's pleasant enough; especially during Guavaween. Don't ask.
Anyhow, it's hot. Stupid hot. And humid. Think Vietnam War humid. It's on the Gulf, so you don't get the sea breeze that the Atlantic side has. The Gulf is really just a puddle created by a meteor that may have killed the dinosaurs, and it's where America's gutter, the Mississippi River, empties. Red Tide is a regular occurrence at the beaches. There's no place good left to live. So, if you want new construction, you're going inland, which is hotter and more humid. The Bay creates some unique roadways. They tried to make it a grid, but it gets all tangled and gnarled near the water. And traffic is ridiculously ridiculous. A city this small should never be this bad. But, the odd roads and nearly no public transportation except a bus that goes early nowhere, and a weird trolley that goes even fewer places, make for a moving parking lot on most roads.
Tampa is a pretty old city. Tampa Bay is a natural harbor, and it can handle pretty big boats. Pirates, Conquistadors, profiteers and entrepreneurs have been going in and out of the Bay as long as there has been Europeans that for up the peninsula. The area history is actually pretty neat. Unfortunately, nobody really cares. Not a lot of people are from Tampa. I'd venture to say that it's almost 80% transplants; or more. It's also an old city by population.
Tampa has a relatively low cost of living. Retirees like this. They can stretch a dollar a long way. Most of the retirees are from NYC for some reason. The Yankees Spring Training is there, as well as a farm team. Tampa is a suburb of NYC. But, there are plenty of people from the Rust Belt and Eastern Seaboard starting around Baltimore. Canada has a colony there. These people have two qualities in common: they are grouchy and they can't drive. I used to assume old people were horrible people waiting to die. Their bodies were failing them, they had nothing to look forward to, and they only got to see their grandkids on holidays. All their friends were dropping dead at a regular clip. So, I understood why, but still. Then I left Florida. Old people who have resisted the draw to Heaven’s waiting room, are really cool people. They revel in the life they lived, have all nature of good advice, have very few shits to give and are pretty fun. I was shocked. I guess Florida is just where the ones who gave up on life went. That may be why they drive so badly. Their are hoping for the release from a world that they no longer live in. I'm kidding. As I said, many of these people are from places where owning a car is more of a hassle than not. A guy or gal who was born, raised and lived their whole life in NYC may have only bought their first car at 65 years old. They never let their wife drive. She doesn't start until she's 80, after her husband dies. So, no experience and failing senses and reflexes is a fine recipe for disaster.
Tampa is the home of twenty years ago. I got there in the late ‘70s as a kid in the first grade. Most of the radio stations played doo-wop and Elvis. ‘50s diners were all the rage. People who were in their prime in the late 50s and early 60s were in charge. By the mid to late ‘80s, we'd made it to the early ‘70s. Grunge should be really popular there now. It's a sure payday for old heavy metal hairbands. Acid washed jeans and mullets are aplenty.
Florida is a non-extradition state. That means, if you have a warrant for anything less than a federal felony, Florida doesn't care. It's a Mafia thing. Tampa and Miami are where old Mafioso end up. More Tampa than Miami. Tampa has a ton of Mafia. But don't worry, they're harmless. They're out of the game. There is an organized crime thing, but it is muted compared to other places. Drugs are a big deal there, but that's not where I'm going with this. Anyhow, the Mafia wanted a retirement home, so they made Florida non- extradition. A side effect is it is a Mecca for sex offenders and dead-beat parents. It's also a draw for lousy people with retired parents. You know your loser brother-in-law? He will take the house Nana left behind when she dies. This may be why strip clubs flourish there. I hear perverts and guys who can't get laid like strip clubs.
Tampa is a north-south city. Because people crowd up against the water, if you drive east, the city ends abruptly. I don't think it gets more than fifteen miles inland and you're suddenly in the south. I like that quality. A lot of city dwellers don't. If you head north or south, it's just a long never-ending stretch of strip malls. If you follow Dale Mabry north from MacDill AFB, you can make it almost to Dade City simply weaving through parking lots. That's around 70 miles. If you take a left on anything north of Belcher, and hit US 19, you can go for an easy 100 miles using parking lots.
Tampa is OK. It isn't great. It isn't terrible. You won't love it there. You won't hate it there. If you're young, stay away; you won't like it that much. Unless you're a medical student. USF medical school is among the best in the world, and it's under rated. Between Tampa General and the VA hospital, you will see everything twice. It's slow for a city. There's some good food there. The Cuban community is fun. Learn Spanish before you come. Dallas McKay
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